Introspection
by PhoenixRising360
Summary: Tony and Jethro think too much and enough is enough. Rated M for language and adult themes. Pre-slash/Slash.


A/N: I wrote the rough draft of this just after Thanksgiving 2014 and found it again today and it seemed appropriate for the time of year. This story was heavily influenced by the many excellent Tibbs slash writers on this site and over at Archive of Our Own. I won't pretend my writing is anywhere near the caliber of many of the stories I've loved and bookmarked but I simply can't get enough of these stories, even if I have to write them myself. Hope you enjoy.

I may write more on this story but for now, this is a one-shot.

Introspection

Tony DiNozzo stood at the counter of his kitchen chopping onions, taking care not to chop his fingers in the process. His apartment smelled delicious as the beginnings of his homemade marinara sauce simmered on the stove. As he added the chopped onion to the sauce kettle, he allowed himself a small smile. Learning to cook more than the few basic recipes he grew up with had done wonders for his self-esteem and his health. The Italian dishes were still his favorites though and the smell of the sauce cooking was comforting. God knew he needed comfort food more than ever right now. He walked to the freezer and pulled out a container of green pepper, eyeballed how much he thought he would need and added it to the sauce before snapping the lid back on and putting it back in the freezer. He didn't really want to think about why he needed the comfort food but it wasn't like he could stop the thoughts either. For over a year, introspection followed intense workouts was his new normal. Because of that, he was as fit now as he had been in college, maybe even more so, but the introspection…that had taken its toll. When he looked in the mirror now he felt he looked his age, definitely past his prime. Smiling helped but he found it hard to smile some days. Sometimes, smiling even reminded him of how lonely he was. Not that he wallowed in self-pity about it - he made his bed, he laid in it - but sometimes, like now, it haunted him and he hated that feeling.

Loneliness, inevitably, reminded him of Leroy Jethro Gibbs and closed his eyes for a moment trying not to crash into self-pity as an image of the man swam before his eyes. For a moment he felt rather than imagined one of his long-held, favorite fantasies…that he wasn't cooking in his kitchen but that he was cooking in Gibbs' kitchen and that Gibbs would walk in the door, smell the food cooking, inhale deeply, smile, come in the kitchen and wrap his arms around Tony's waist, hold him close and tell him how good the food smelled and how glad he was that he was there. He knew it was a sappy, sentimental fantasy but he didn't care. That fantasy made him feel less lonely, even for a moment and it was comforting in its own way.

Tony looked out into the living room of his apartment and hated the emptiness. For a long time he had reveled in living alone and now…it was just a constant reminder of his loneliness…not that he missed dorm life from his boarding school and college days but he did miss having someone to joke around with, even talk with. Over the past year, he spent more time with Gibbs at his house, often in his basement, just watching him work on his various projects and shooting the shit but more and more, he hated leaving when he was there. Sometimes he would indulge in bourbon just so he had an excuse not to leave. Gibbs never seemed to mind and there had been once or twice that Tony had the feeling that Gibbs hadn't wanted him to leave but he never came right out and said that either and since Gibbs wasn't exactly the poster boy for communication, he never assumed he was right about that.

Tony finished adding ingredients to the sauce and stirred it before putting the lid on it. He would fix a pan of lasagna and take it over to Gibbs and see if his boss and friend would share a meal. It'd be better than eating alone and Gibbs loved his lasagna.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs left MTAC in a foul mood. The op they had just wrapped up had gone according to plan but there were still losses and that never made him happy. At least it was Saturday, he thought. He would finish up his report and head home and have tomorrow to work on the toys and relax a little before the new work week.

The bullpen wasn't empty. Balboa's team was on rotation and they were actively working on a case but no one from his own team was there. Gibbs knew McGee was at one of his gaming conventions that weekend and Bishop had said something about a weekend away with her husband. He smiled a little when he thought of that. He was glad at least one person on his team had someone to go home to. McGee didn't like to talk about it but Gibbs knew he missed Delilah. Before the attack that had left Delilah paralyzed, Gibbs had expected at anytime Tim would announce their engagement but since then, things had changed. She had gotten the position in Dubai and Tim rarely mentioned her. It was only the exhaustion he saw in Tim's face at times that told him that Tim was doing his best to maintain the long-distance relationship between them and would often be awake long after he should've gone to bed in order to talk with her due to the time difference. Idly, he wondered if Delilah ever had tired days where she stayed up too late in order to talk to him so that he could get some sleep at a normal hour. On the other hand, pushing herself around in a wheelchair all day every day had to be exhausting so maybe she wasn't able to maintain late nights which is why Tim so often did it for her. Still though, all relationships took a little sacrifice.

A wave of guilt washed over him at the thought. Perhaps if he had thought about making sacrifices, he wouldn't have ended up waist-deep in divorces. Of course, he never should've married them to begin with.

_Stop it,_ he mentally slapped himself upside the head, not for the first time. There was no point in dwelling on the past. Ever since Dr. Ryan had left him after the Dearing mess, he stopped lying to himself and stopped dating. He had tried multiple times to replace Shannon and it just wasn't going to work. No woman could ever live up to her and while he knew she wouldn't have wanted him to be alone or lonely, he just had given up trying to find someone as compatible. He didn't understand women most of the time. They played so many head games, put on so many airs, demanded so much attention, and were so often insecure in their own skin with a thousand neuroses that they were just tiresome. There was also the fact that none of them understood the demands of the job. He still checked women out, sure, but he was old enough now that he wasn't quite the slave to his libido that he had been when he was younger. Even as good as sex could be, it wasn't worth the stress of the rest of it.

He sat down at his desk and looked around his section of the bullpen. All their desks were neat and clean and his gaze fell on Tony's desk and he stifled a sigh. For the last week and a half, he'd only seen his senior field agent at work. Tony hadn't been by the house lately even though he was usually there at least a couple times a week. He didn't know why the younger man hadn't been around but since they'd run into Zoe Keats, Tony's former partner, he wasn't that surprised. No doubt he's been spending time with her outside of work. Gibbs smiled a little. Maybe this woman would get Tony out of his funk and make him forget about Ziva once and for all.

Gibbs sighed as he waited for his computer to boot up. Ever since Tony had traveled the world hunting Ziva down, he had quietly admitted to himself that he cared more about Tony than he ever had his three ex-wives combined. Sometimes when Tony was over and they were watching a game or a movie or even just sitting in the basement, there was more intimacy there than he had ever shared with his exes. Sometimes it felt so good his heart ached. On the occasions Tony would cook for him it would be really hard for him to keep his emotions and his hands in check. Sometimes the urge to touch him was overwhelming and lately, head slaps weren't covering it.

Gibbs head slapped himself in that moment, glad Balboa's team was too busy to notice. He couldn't think about that right then. He had a report to type and then he would head home and work on the toys. Forcing everything else from his mind, Gibbs got to work.

It was almost 4:30 when Gibbs finally got home. The November wind had picked up and he hurried into the house. The heat was running but there was still a distinct chill in the air and he wasted no time starting a fire in the fireplace. He made coffee and while waiting for it to brew, he ran upstairs, used the bathroom and then changed into jeans and a t-shirt before heading downstairs to check the fire, pour coffee and then headed to the basement.

An hour later, he heard the front door open and close and familiar heavy footfalls. Gibbs smiled. Tony. He heard him move into the kitchen and then the man appeared at the top of the stairs. It was then that Gibbs realized he was tracking his movements like a predator stalking its prey. He felt the blush creep up his face and he moved out of the light so Tony couldn't see his face as well.

"Hey Gibbs," Tony smiled. "Am I bugging you?"

"Nope."

"Are you hungry? I brought dinner, just need to bake it."

Gibbs looked up again and smiled. "Sure, what'd you bring?"

"Lasagna." Tony grinned.

Gibbs let Tony see the smile but no need for words.

Tony smiled back, nodded and went back upstairs to start the oven. Gibbs listened as Tony moved around the kitchen with seeming ease and comfort and he smiled sadly. It'd be nice to have him around all the time…not that he could ever say that to him. As he listened while Tony worked on something in the kitchen, he let a smile reach his lips. Tony was a good friend. It was a Saturday night and here he was, fixing dinner for him. He didn't have to do that. He could be out with a woman doing anything else but being here with him. And that was kind of odd. Why wasn't Tony out with a woman, like Zoe?

Putting down the toy he had been carving, he brushed the sawdust off his body and headed upstairs. He found Tony crushing fresh garlic at the counter. He looked over when Gibbs appeared in the kitchen and smiled a little. "You didn't have to stop on my account. Christmas is coming. You need all the time you can get."

Gibbs smiled and he saw Tony's face light up when he did. "Haven't seen you much lately. All okay?"

"Yeah, fine. I've been Christmas shopping, wanted to get Abby something other than black roses for a change. I'm having a hell of a time finding anything. At least McGee was easy to shop for." He smirked.

Gibbs smiled. "What do you want for Christmas?" he asked.

A strange look came over Tony's face and he looked away quickly, turning his attention back to the garlic. "Meh, nothing particular in mind really. You know me, if I want something, I'll just go get it." He turned to grin before going back to the garlic. "What about you? Did you get on Santa's nice list?"

Gibbs chuckled in spite of himself. "Second B for bastard. I'll probably get a lump of coal," he joked.

"Don't knock a lump of coal. Heat source."

Gibbs laughed. "That's a good point."

"This fall has been a lot colder than normal," Tony said. "I'm glad you have a fire going. I put another log on, by the way."

Gibbs nodded. "Garlic bread?"

"Of course." Tony moved to the sink to wash his hands.

Gibbs watched him move about the kitchen, noted how his jeans hugged his ass. He forced himself to look up lest he be caught checking out his ass. Tony was wearing an old sweatshirt that had seen lots of washings and looked faded and comfortable. It outlined his broad shoulders and chest and showed off his muscular neck. Gibbs swallowed hard, wanting to…

_Stop it!_ His mind screamed at him. _Do not go there._ He closed his eyes, fighting for control of his thoughts.

"Hey," Tony said softly. "You okay? You look a little flushed."

"Fine," he said. "Have to hit the head." He got up and left the room.

Tony watched the man flee the room…there was no other way to describe how fast he left, like he had a thousand demons chasing him. Tony thought for a moment. No, it wasn't the anniversary of Shannon's and Kelly's deaths. Tony had noted the tension. He ached to touch the man, give him a massage, work the knots out…

_NO!_ His mind shouted. _Don't even go there! Not here, not now._

Gibbs returned to the kitchen after a few minutes and sat back down, knowing he would be more help to Tony by just staying out of his way.

Tony had just finished preparing the garlic bread and he stopped and looked down at Gibbs as though studying him. Gibbs felt his gaze and looked up, careful to keep the mask firmly in place. He was almost shocked to find that Tony's face and eyes were open, no mask. The main thing he noted was concern. He let out a breath.

"Jethro," Tony said. "Are you really okay because I gotta tell you, you don't seem it. If you didn't want company tonight, all you had to do was say so."

"Tony, it's Saturday night. Why aren't you out…with a woman? Zoe maybe? Seemed like you had something there with her."

A surprised look jumped across Tony's face. He checked the timer and then pulled out a chair beside him and sat down. Finally, he shrugged. "She and I spent an evening reminiscing but we ran out of things to say. It was like once we talked out the past, the spark snuffed out. We ended the evening rather awkwardly but friendly. When I just left the way I did without saying goodbye, she put on a brave face but it was obvious she didn't take it well."

"I thought she might be the one to make you forget Ziva."

Tony gave a half-smirk. "I finally understand why Ziva made the choice she did. She had to let go of who she was to figure out who she wanted to be. She needed to let go of the violence and that included those of us who still face it."

"For a while I feared that once you found her, you would stay with her if you couldn't convince her to come back."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he wished he could call them back. He wasn't sure what compelled him to say the words but in that moment, he wished the ground would open up and swallow him. _Shit!_ He thought.

Once the words were out though, it was too late. May as well face the music. He looked over at Tony who looked at him and the emotions were written plainly on his face: surprise, tenderness, happiness.

"You-you were really afraid I wouldn't come back?"

Gibbs swallowed hard. "Took so long, I figured once you found her that would be it." He paused and took a deep breath. "No one I would rather have on my six than you, Tony."

Tony smiled warmly, the real, genuine smile that Gibbs saw so rarely but loved so much. It faded some as he spoke again. "Even if she had wanted me to stay, I'm honestly not sure I could have. I've been on your six for so long, can't imagine myself anywhere else."

There were a few moments of tense silence as the weight of Tony's words settled. Tony internally groaned. He'd as good as admitted that Gibbs was 'home.' He opened his mouth to say something…he didn't know what but the timer chose that moment to beep through the kitchen and Tony jumped up to check on the lasagna. "Oh yeah, cheese is bubbly." He took it out and set it on the stove top and put the loaf of garlic bread in and reset the timer and then sat back down. "Bread won't take long and we can eat," he said and grabbed plates, forks and poured himself a cup of coffee and refilled Gibbs' coffee.

"You still haven't answered my question," Gibbs reminded him.

"Hmm? What was the question?"

"Why aren't you out tonight instead of being here?"

Tony set his mug down. "I'm not avoiding the question. Let's eat first, okay? I'm hungry."

Gibbs nodded and let it go, surprised by Tony's response. Normally, he would've just made a joke to hide behind but he didn't. He wondered if that meant Tony had bad news to tell him, like he was going to move on…at least, Gibbs hoped he would tell him before picking up and leaving. He swallowed the coffee hard, it hurt to swallow.

Neither man said anything for a while, sitting in companionable silence while waiting for the bread. Once the timer went off, Tony grinned and pulled out perfectly browned garlic bread. He sliced it quickly and then served up the lasagna, adding two thick slices of garlic bread to each plate and served up the food.

It smelled heavenly and Gibbs smiled again at him as he set the plate down. Tony met his eyes and smiled back before they both turned attention to their plates and ate.

The pasta melted in their mouths, the sauce was tangy and spicy and delicious and the garlic bread was buttery and garlicky. They cleaned up the kitchen in companionable silence and Gibbs made more coffee.

"No beer or bourbon tonight?" Tony asked as he watched Gibbs make his toxic brew.

"No," Gibbs said. "I…decided to cut back on my drinking."

Tony looked surprised but couldn't resist the quip. "Okay, who are you and what did you do with the real Gibbs?"

The head slap was expected and as hard as usual and Tony laughed. "Oh you are so going to pay for that."

Gibbs snorted.

"When you least expect it, too." He gave him a mock warning look.

"Just not while I'm tending the fire," Gibbs grinned and kneeled in front of the fire and stoked it, added a couple of logs. Tony sat down on the couch and admired the man's ass as he tended the fire and took a second to adjust himself so if he got hard, it wouldn't be too obvious, not that there was much room in the jeans as it was.

There was tension in the air as the silence seemed to fill the room, the only noise being from the sparks from the fireplace and of Gibbs adding the logs. It was then that Tony realized that come hell or high water, he couldn't keep going on hiding what he felt. It just was too difficult and he was tired of hiding. In the last year, he was learning how to be comfortable in his own skin and he realized he just had to trust that their friendship was stronger than his fears. If not, he could transfer to another team or even get a job in another agency, not that he wanted to leave NCIS. He had options. Hell, the FBI had been trying to lure him away for years.

"I'm here because I want to be. No other reason." Tony said before his courage departed, like it usually did.

Gibbs stood up from his position at the fireplace. He looked over at Tony, his eyes not bothering to disguise his surprise. "There's a whole world out there, women everywhere. Why the hell are you wasting your life hanging around a washed-up old Marine like me? You're a good looking guy, women vie for your attention, Tony. You could have practically any woman out there you want."

Gibbs watched as surprise turned to hurt and then anger at his outburst. "Washed-up old Marine? Really? That's how you see yourself? No wonder you hide in your basement when you're not working. That's sad, Jethro. Really…really…sad."

"Oh and you're any less sad? You've spent your life hiding behind masks, movie references and one night stands."

Tony laughed then, a mirthless, hard laugh that sent shivers up and down Gibbs' spine. "Did it ever occur to you that if I had had as many one night stands as I claimed, how the hell would I know so many movies so well? You ever notice how much time I spend at the office? I was engaged when we met, Gibbs. I didn't leave her. She left me. Yeah, I had some one-night stands but mostly, I talked shit to get under McGee's, Kate's and then Ziva's skin." He chuckled. "They believed me, was a good cover for a while."

Gibbs smiled a little at this. "I know Wendy broke your heart but are you always going to live your life under cover? Pretending to be what you're not?"

Gibbs turned to look at Tony who looked faraway. "You really want to know why I'm here?"

Gibbs swallowed hard. The words and actions crashing in on him all at once and then Tony looked at him, the intensity in his eyes not leaving anything out. He nodded mutely.

"I'm here because there is nowhere else I want to be. Except for when you went to Mexico, you've been the only constant in my life. I've loved you for years. I'm not asking or expecting anything from you, I just wanted you to know. But the next time you call yourself a washed-up old Marine, I'm going to deck you!" Tony stopped and held his gaze, waiting for his reaction, no matter what it was. Gibbs never said much anyway but the shock in his eyes was palpable.

Gibbs was breathless. He searched Tony's eyes, a thousand emotions in his mind that he couldn't say. He knew he had to say something because any second Tony would bolt. "How…?" he licked his lips because they felt so dry. "How many years?"

It was Tony's turn to look surprised as he saw the barrage of emotion pass through Gibbs' eyes. That emotion compelled him to keep going. "I'm not sure exactly how long. I didn't wake up one day and think, "I love Gibbs. It just sort of happened over time. We've always worked so well together, always had this sync to it…but I didn't know it was love I felt for the longest time. Sometime after Jeanne I was able to piece it together."

"My God, Tony…I…" He reached out and grabbed Tony's wrist to hold him, afraid he was going to bolt before he could figure out what to say. "I wish…" He swallowed hard, his mouth dry. "Come on!" Motion. He needed motion. He practically dragged Tony to the kitchen, still held Tony and opened the refrigerator and grabbed a water bottle. "Don't leave." He managed to get out before releasing Tony's wrist to open the bottle and downing half of it. He offered the rest to Tony who drank the rest.

"That why you dragged me to the kitchen? Afraid I would leave?" Tony looked amused.

"Yes. I know you, Tony and words…"

"Functional mute, I know." Tony smiled into his eyes. "A few years ago, yeah, if I'd found the nerve, I might've said and ran. Now…fuck, I can't leave. Even if you had punched me…" He trailed off, his eyes falling as though deep in thought. He took a deep, heavy breath before looking back into his eyes and cleared his throat. "I won't leave…unless you want me to. I will always have your six, Jethro, unless you hate me now. I would leave quietly if that's what you wanted. No harm, no foul."

The grip on his arm tightened, not enough to hurt but tight enough that he couldn't have escaped.

"You're not going anywhere," Gibbs growled. "If I'd have known, I would've told you years ago that I cared and not just as a friend. I thought friendship was the most I could get."

Tony's eyes flickered with emotion and finally, he let out a soft chuckle. "So we were both cowards." Not a question, a simple statement of fact.

Gibbs smiled softly. "I didn't want to risk losing you. I thought you would quit."

"I thought you'd fire me or have me transferred."

"Then why tonight?"

"Can't hold it in anymore. Tired of secrets. It was easier to tell you and deal with any fallout than hold it in. The strain of keeping it in was getting worse." He stopped talking, breathing hard, as though his lungs had run out of air. Gibbs could see his chest heave, knowing fear fueled his adrenaline, his body fairly vibrating with tension. He fairly shook with it.

They stood there by the refrigerator just looking at each other, their eyes speaking volumes as they finally stopped hiding what they really felt. There was still an underlying tension between them but there was a tinge of relief and unspoken emotions.

Neither man was sure who initiated, perhaps they both moved in at the same time. Lips touched and both men opened almost instantly, letting years of pent-up need wash over. Jethro pulled Tony closer by his hips and Tony moaned in the kiss, his tongue slid in over his and the grip on his hips tightened. Tony's hands slid up his back and one in the silver hair, the kiss deepened and the last of the tension between them drained away.

Jethro released one of Tony's hips and let his hand caress his hair in the spot where he'd given the man a thousand head slaps and gripped, not hard but not lightly and noted how soft his hair was, how good he smelled, how much time they had wasted but this kiss…years in the making…nothing like it would ever compare again. He knew that. Slowly, reluctantly, the kiss slowed and their lips released the other, both men panting.

Tony smiled at him. "Best kiss ever," he murmured.

Jethro nodded. "I'll never get enough," he said hoarsely.

"That's okay," Tony whispered. "More where that came from." He grinned then, his eyes full of love and mischief. "I better not ever see any more red heads though."

Jethro smiled. "Jealous?"

"Not going to share you, Jethro. You've always been it for me, just took too long to realize it."

"Who would've thought Tony DiNozzo could be possessive?" Jethro teased lightly, nudging his chin with his nose making Tony's head tilt back so he could kiss his neck. "I like it."

One of Tony's hands came up to rest on his shoulder and he squeezed lightly. "So…being with a man…is not a problem?"

"Uh uh," Jethro said against his neck as he trailed kisses along it. "Since when have I ever cared what anyone thought?"

Tony smiled then. "Just making sure…can't live a secret life anymore. Don't want to."

"I don't want you to," Jethro said, lightly pulling his sweatshirt aside to lightly bite on his shoulder.

Tony's breath hitched. "This seems too good to be true."

Jethro smiled against his neck, pulled back a little and Tony leaned in to claim his lips. "Don't ever stop," Tony said against his lips, his arms wrapped around Jethro's waist and pulled him into him. Jethro reciprocated the motion and both men breathed deeply in the embrace, sighing against each other, a sense of contentment settling over both of them.


End file.
